Dylan Rex Hanson

Sometimes seeing his name, and sometimes just saying it in my head is enough to make the tears flow. It has been just shy of 3 years since my little brother slipped away peacefully and without struggle, in the middle of the night. Each year that passes, I am surprised at how fresh the pain can be. The waves of grief rise up from nowhere- it could be a song on the radio that triggers them, catching a glimpse of someone in a crowd that looks just like him, it could be the roar of a motorcyle on the street in summer. But whatever triggers the waves really doesn't matter. They rise up and threaten to pull me under some days. And sometimes, they just lap at my feet and gently remind me that nothing has changed, I still have lost my brother. This week it was music. Music is very therapeutic for me and I decided that I wanted to make a playlist for my brother. There are days that I just need a good cry and I always feel better after. I thought I would share the songs that really move me, and why. My intention is not to make anyone sad that may be reading this, but perhaps to give a glimpse into what it feels like to have lost a sibling.

Linkin Park Leave out all the rest. This is about making sure you leave a legacy of love and goodness when it is your turn to go. I like it because I know my brother left an amazing legacy, and it reminds me to be careful how I create my own.


Rob Thomas, Little Wonders. This song (for me) is about living in the moment and about the beauty in the details of the challenges and pain we go through in life, including loss.


Someday, by Rob Thomas. A song about refusing to let pain and grief ruling your life. A song about knowing that someday we will understand the "why" question we all have when someone we love is taken too early.


Dan Black, Symphonies. I think it was my little sisters who introduced me to this song first, in the early days after Dylan's passing. This song is beautiful and moving, and it's about yearning for something more- in this case, having our brother back.


 Jason Gray- The End of Me. This is the song I had dedicated to Dylan at the fundraiser 5k I hosted this last October, in his honor. It is one of my most favorite songs, it is about the promise that what we perceive as "the end" is actually the beginning for us. I am not Christian and I still don't know where I stand with the whole God/religion issue...but this song moves me because it paints a picture of complete happiness and rebirth when we die. I firmly believe I will see my brother again one day.


Live Like we're Dying by Kris Allen. I absolutely love this song, because it reminds me that we are all living on borrowed time, so to speak. We need to take the time each day to say I love you to those that are most important to us, because you NEVER know what will happen. We have no idea how much time we have with our loved ones, and too many times we neglect to take the time to express our feelings before it is too late.


This is not the end: The Bravery: A song to his friend who is terminally ill, and preparing to say goodbye. This was the song that really spoke to me when my brother was sick, even though I was in complete denial that he was going to die. This is another song about "the end" not really being the end....


Slipped Away by Avril Levigne. I just heard this song for the first time the other day and I loved it. I am not by nature a big fan of hers, but this song summed up exactly how it felt when we first found out Dylan had passed away.


Waiting for the end, by Linkin Park. Another song about how what we perceive as the end is actually the beginning, and at the same time being sad and frustrated about having to let someone go.


Ball and Chain by Social Distortion. This song isn't nessecarily about loss. But it is the song that is one that pops up as a theme since Dylan passed away. My sisters were in Walmart a few days after he died, and this song came on the intercom (they NEVER play music over the speakers, let alone a song like this). Dylan loved this band, and a few months after he died, I found an old picture with him wearing this Ball and Chain tour shirt. When I hear this song, I feel like he is trying to tell me that cancer was his ball and chain, and he was growing weary from carriying the burden. "Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain...I'm sick and I'm tired, and I can't take anymore pain......."
No more pain brother..



Well, that's it for my current playlist. I am always finding meaning in new songs and while they may not actually be about the death of a loved one, it's the little things I find in them that help me to heal.