Dylan Rex Hanson

Sometimes seeing his name, and sometimes just saying it in my head is enough to make the tears flow. It has been just shy of 3 years since my little brother slipped away peacefully and without struggle, in the middle of the night. Each year that passes, I am surprised at how fresh the pain can be. The waves of grief rise up from nowhere- it could be a song on the radio that triggers them, catching a glimpse of someone in a crowd that looks just like him, it could be the roar of a motorcyle on the street in summer. But whatever triggers the waves really doesn't matter. They rise up and threaten to pull me under some days. And sometimes, they just lap at my feet and gently remind me that nothing has changed, I still have lost my brother. This week it was music. Music is very therapeutic for me and I decided that I wanted to make a playlist for my brother. There are days that I just need a good cry and I always feel better after. I thought I would share the songs that really move me, and why. My intention is not to make anyone sad that may be reading this, but perhaps to give a glimpse into what it feels like to have lost a sibling.

Linkin Park Leave out all the rest. This is about making sure you leave a legacy of love and goodness when it is your turn to go. I like it because I know my brother left an amazing legacy, and it reminds me to be careful how I create my own.


Rob Thomas, Little Wonders. This song (for me) is about living in the moment and about the beauty in the details of the challenges and pain we go through in life, including loss.


Someday, by Rob Thomas. A song about refusing to let pain and grief ruling your life. A song about knowing that someday we will understand the "why" question we all have when someone we love is taken too early.


Dan Black, Symphonies. I think it was my little sisters who introduced me to this song first, in the early days after Dylan's passing. This song is beautiful and moving, and it's about yearning for something more- in this case, having our brother back.


 Jason Gray- The End of Me. This is the song I had dedicated to Dylan at the fundraiser 5k I hosted this last October, in his honor. It is one of my most favorite songs, it is about the promise that what we perceive as "the end" is actually the beginning for us. I am not Christian and I still don't know where I stand with the whole God/religion issue...but this song moves me because it paints a picture of complete happiness and rebirth when we die. I firmly believe I will see my brother again one day.


Live Like we're Dying by Kris Allen. I absolutely love this song, because it reminds me that we are all living on borrowed time, so to speak. We need to take the time each day to say I love you to those that are most important to us, because you NEVER know what will happen. We have no idea how much time we have with our loved ones, and too many times we neglect to take the time to express our feelings before it is too late.


This is not the end: The Bravery: A song to his friend who is terminally ill, and preparing to say goodbye. This was the song that really spoke to me when my brother was sick, even though I was in complete denial that he was going to die. This is another song about "the end" not really being the end....


Slipped Away by Avril Levigne. I just heard this song for the first time the other day and I loved it. I am not by nature a big fan of hers, but this song summed up exactly how it felt when we first found out Dylan had passed away.


Waiting for the end, by Linkin Park. Another song about how what we perceive as the end is actually the beginning, and at the same time being sad and frustrated about having to let someone go.


Ball and Chain by Social Distortion. This song isn't nessecarily about loss. But it is the song that is one that pops up as a theme since Dylan passed away. My sisters were in Walmart a few days after he died, and this song came on the intercom (they NEVER play music over the speakers, let alone a song like this). Dylan loved this band, and a few months after he died, I found an old picture with him wearing this Ball and Chain tour shirt. When I hear this song, I feel like he is trying to tell me that cancer was his ball and chain, and he was growing weary from carriying the burden. "Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain...I'm sick and I'm tired, and I can't take anymore pain......."
No more pain brother..



Well, that's it for my current playlist. I am always finding meaning in new songs and while they may not actually be about the death of a loved one, it's the little things I find in them that help me to heal.

Merry Christmas!

It has been wonderful spending time with family and friends. But like all good things, our visit must come to an end. The weather forecast calls for snow from the next couple of days but we have chains and all-wheel drive so we are going to hit the road in the morning. Andy and I have to be back to work on the 27th.

Christmas crafts

Here are a couple of things I managed to make this year. Both of these things I saw on Pinterest. The wreath was actually an etsy item, so I just created my own version. The glass night-light blocks are all over the internet and I just made them the way I wanted. I tied strips of tulle to the strand of lights :-)

Meeting Baby Riley!

Here is a picture of me holding my new niece! She is just as sweet as I imagined.She looks so much like her dad! Im enjoying seeing my little sister blossom as a new mom, she is a natural :-)

photo shoot Dec 2012

I wanted to upload the pictures from our last picture session with my good friend Brittany (Glick Photography). They turned out great! This year we decided to take our pictures at the old train depot right next to our house. It is a neat location and about 100 years ago when Cunningham was founded, it was a busy and prosperous train station. There was a little post office (see the picture of Abbie in the doorway of a red brick building) that has long since been abandoned. There were 3 big metal buildings and one cement one, but they have torn down one of the metal ones. They are so neat! I just wish I knew what type of building they were and what purpose they once served.

Blogging take 2...

Wow it's been a LONG time since I attempted to blog. Life got crazy and I'm not the best at writing anyway. But, I'm attempting to go Facebook free and I needed a way for our family and friends to keep up with us, and be able to see pictures of the kids etc so I'm going to give blogging another shot. Bear with me and if you are brave enough to wade through my older posts, kudos to you!

The black beast rears its ugly head again.

Well its been quite a while since I blogged. Things are going pretty good, kids are all healthy besides the occasional cold they pick up at school. Currently, the only real drama in my life is worrying about whether my melanoma will come back. I had a spot removed in August, that came back as melanoma in-situ. That just means that it is stage O, or just sitting on the surface of the skin. Which is great! Im one of the lucky ones who discovered and had their cancer removed at the very earliest stage. The survival rates for melanoma at this stage are 99-100% at 5 and 10 years. My only problem is that my dermatologist didnt see the need for a follow-up excision, as per protocol, since he felt he had cauterized the margins well enough. He felt it was sufficient to have me come in once per year to look for any new pigment in the scar, at my yearly skin check. I was fine with that at first, but awhile back, I started having this gnawing feeling that I needed a second opinion. So of course, I hit the internet, joined a melanoma website (or three) and posted questions. I got lots of feedback that backed up my suspicion: I should have had that second excision to make sure the margins were in fact clear.
The next step was for me to get a copy of my pathology report. It clearly stated that "given the narrow margins, a 3 to 5 mm follow up excision is recommended to make sure a recurrence doesnt happen". Well, something to that effect. The next thing I did was go see another doctor and get a second opinion. He looked at the scar and my path report and promptly told me he was sending me for surgery at a MOHS surgery center in Spokane (2 hrs away). He said the other doctor didnt take enough of a "chunk" out. The scariest part was when he said he'd had quite a few patients die of melanoma, some of whom had the second WLE (wide local excision) and it still came back, and they died. He wasnt trying to scare me, he was just being blunt about how serious it to take the risk..he said "Im not a gambling man, so lets not take any chances". It feels pretty good to have a doctor treating the situation aggressively.
So, the patient rep is scheduling my appt and I should know by tomorrow when the surgery will be. I hope they get me in quick, as it's already been 6 months since my original diagnosis and there is a chance my cancer could be growing (if the first doctor didnt get it all). I'd rather be safe than sorry!

Here is a website I found that explains the MOHS procedure:
http://www.mohscollege.org/about/