Addie turns 3!

Adelaide turned 3 on March 19th! Here are some pictures that our friend Brittany took for us. Thanks Brit!

It's hard to believe we've had this little sweetie in our lives for 3 years already, but even harder to remember what it was like before she joined our family. We love you Adelaide! We're so blessed to have had three years with you, you are such a joy to our family.

Feb 26th....3 years ago.

Today marks 3 years since we lost my brother to metastatic melanoma. I just wanted to pause for a minute and reflect on how things have changed since that traumatic and horrible night- the night I got "the call".
When I got "the call", it was about 7:30pm on a Friday night. I was roughly 35 weeks pregnant, and I had just got done having Andy take some pictures of me and Abbie in the kitchen- my huge belly taking up so much room! Everything was great, we were preparing for a new baby. Two days earlier, my brother and mom had gotten the "all clear" from the doctor- Thanks to radiation, Dylan's tumors were in remission and he showed no signs of new cancer growth anywhere else in his body. So the world was happy and bright and full of promise. Little did any of us know that he had quietly passed away the night before, and was waiting to be found by our poor mom. Oh how things have changed since then.
For one, we have two new little people in our family. Adelaide was born 3 weeks after he passed away, and Riley joined our family (born to Stephanie and Woody) about 2.5 years later. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel these little people have been ripped off from knowing their uncle...they will never get to hear him call them "munchkin" or have him sweep them up for big hugs- they will never experience the excitement of hearing his Harley roar up the driveway at Grandmas.. they will never know what Uncle Dylan was like when he was alive, like my other kids do.
Another thing that has changed is the relationship between our remaining siblings. We have formed a much stronger bond to each other and for that, I'm grateful. It has made us realize that there is nothing like family, and reminds us to never take each other for granted. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of my sisters' lives and now, in their children's life (Steph is the only one to have any kids so far).
Since Dylan passed away, I have learned about end of life care issues, and have read a lot about life-after-death. I used to consider myself an atheist, but now I'm not so sure. I'm convinced there is something after death, even if it's only that I'm grasping at straws to help me cope with Dylan's death. I'm okay with that :)
I could write a book on things that have changed since I lost my brother, but I wont. I think I'm finally past the "it's so unfair" angry stage, and have arrived at the "sad and always missing him-but accepting that he's gone" stage. It is what it is, and I can't change it or bring him back. So today and every day, I choose to strive for telling my loved ones how much they mean to me, and focus on appreciating each day that I have with the ones that mean the most to me.

Rest in Peace little brother- til' we meet again!

Oct 18th 1979~ February 26th 2010

February is halfway over!

Where has the time gone? It is halfway through February already. Everyone is doing well at our house, aside from the minor colds that get passed around. Tomorrow Elsa will get her retainer off (yay!) and Ava will begin the process of getting hers on. So far, Abby and the twins have all needed orthodontic work- hoping that not all 5 kids will need it. The twins will both need braces as well as the retainer for correcting side/over bites. The fun and expenses of a large family never end ;)
Work is going well. I had experienced a rough start on my shift with a particular individual, but all of the troubling things that were happening have stopped. I'm not sure if someone said something to this co-worker, and I don't care. I'm just glad it's not happening anymore. That is why I deleted my earlier post about it.
Andy is going through a lot of changes at work as well. We have lost our plant manager to another company, and a sizable change in management is happening. He is looking seriously at other job opportunities around the country. I suspect (as I have for a couple of years) that we will not be in Othello for the long-term. If the right job offer comes along, I can say with certainty that we will be relocating. Of course I will update when/if anything starts to materialize.

Spring is in the air here in Othello already. I have the itch to start gardening again, and I have several landscaping projects I'd like to start on. And if we need to sell the house, having decent landscaping in the front and back will only help to sell the house, so I feel even more determined to start working on the yard. I am excited! It's been a few years since I have had the energy/money to invest in these types of things. Now if I can just find the time :)

Mommy's little helper

Addie is almost 3 now! And she's in a very fun (and frustrating) stage. The "I want to do it by myself!" stage. It's fun because I get to see her imitating all the things I do around the house, and frustrating because she absolutely insists on doing it by herself with no help, and that can take forever. One thing I love is teaching her how to help around the house. I try to snap a picture here and there when she is sweeping, or drying the dishes, or cleaning the windows. She is so cute, trying to be just like mommy. I know that this stage wont last forever, and that before I know it I'll have to employ strategic tactics to get her help with chores. And soon after that, I'll have to bribe or force her to help at all, like her teenage sister ;). Here are a few pictures I managed to capture of my little helper.

Hello 2013!

Well, the end of the Mayan calendar (which was actually a great example of misinformation creating unnecessary concern) and the end of the world didn't happen, so here we are in 2013. What a year 2012 was! So much happened! I saw all my hard work from 2011-2012 come to fruition at the first Miles Against Melanoma fundraiser, the D&D 5k- which was in honor of my brother Dylan and my co-hosts mom Deena, both of whom lost their lives to Melanoma. It was probably one of the most intense,  stressful, exciting things I've done in my life, besides bringing my kids into the world ;)

2012 also saw the birth of my brand new neice, Riley~ first born to my little sister Stephanie and her husband Woody. And best of all, she was born happy and healthy on my birthday! What an amazing birthday gift that was! I love seeing my sister blossom as a new mother, and being able to impart insight and advice from my 15+ years of motherhood experience. I am grateful that she trusts me enough to ask for advice. At the very least, she can learn from my mistakes :)

The other significant event that 2012 saw was my return into the workforce after being a stay-at-home mom for the previous 9 years. I went to work at McCain Foods, and I work 12 hour graveyard shifts. It was quite the transition for all of us. But it has been a good thing for our family and I'm very grateful for the opportunity to work there. I started out on the bottom of the totem pole as a packaging laborer, to size grader, and now I work in the lab as a Quality Control Technician. I enjoy learning all about potato process- it really is fascinating stuff (never thought I'd say that).

What about you? What did you love/hate about 2012? What are you looking forward to this new year? I am thankful every day that I get to wake up...every challenge at work and home means I'm learning and *hopefully* growing into a better person. I have lots I want to do this year, but most of it is working on being a better mom and wife. I'm not a monster by any means, but there is always room for improvement :)

Dylan Rex Hanson

Sometimes seeing his name, and sometimes just saying it in my head is enough to make the tears flow. It has been just shy of 3 years since my little brother slipped away peacefully and without struggle, in the middle of the night. Each year that passes, I am surprised at how fresh the pain can be. The waves of grief rise up from nowhere- it could be a song on the radio that triggers them, catching a glimpse of someone in a crowd that looks just like him, it could be the roar of a motorcyle on the street in summer. But whatever triggers the waves really doesn't matter. They rise up and threaten to pull me under some days. And sometimes, they just lap at my feet and gently remind me that nothing has changed, I still have lost my brother. This week it was music. Music is very therapeutic for me and I decided that I wanted to make a playlist for my brother. There are days that I just need a good cry and I always feel better after. I thought I would share the songs that really move me, and why. My intention is not to make anyone sad that may be reading this, but perhaps to give a glimpse into what it feels like to have lost a sibling.

Linkin Park Leave out all the rest. This is about making sure you leave a legacy of love and goodness when it is your turn to go. I like it because I know my brother left an amazing legacy, and it reminds me to be careful how I create my own.


Rob Thomas, Little Wonders. This song (for me) is about living in the moment and about the beauty in the details of the challenges and pain we go through in life, including loss.


Someday, by Rob Thomas. A song about refusing to let pain and grief ruling your life. A song about knowing that someday we will understand the "why" question we all have when someone we love is taken too early.


Dan Black, Symphonies. I think it was my little sisters who introduced me to this song first, in the early days after Dylan's passing. This song is beautiful and moving, and it's about yearning for something more- in this case, having our brother back.


 Jason Gray- The End of Me. This is the song I had dedicated to Dylan at the fundraiser 5k I hosted this last October, in his honor. It is one of my most favorite songs, it is about the promise that what we perceive as "the end" is actually the beginning for us. I am not Christian and I still don't know where I stand with the whole God/religion issue...but this song moves me because it paints a picture of complete happiness and rebirth when we die. I firmly believe I will see my brother again one day.


Live Like we're Dying by Kris Allen. I absolutely love this song, because it reminds me that we are all living on borrowed time, so to speak. We need to take the time each day to say I love you to those that are most important to us, because you NEVER know what will happen. We have no idea how much time we have with our loved ones, and too many times we neglect to take the time to express our feelings before it is too late.


This is not the end: The Bravery: A song to his friend who is terminally ill, and preparing to say goodbye. This was the song that really spoke to me when my brother was sick, even though I was in complete denial that he was going to die. This is another song about "the end" not really being the end....


Slipped Away by Avril Levigne. I just heard this song for the first time the other day and I loved it. I am not by nature a big fan of hers, but this song summed up exactly how it felt when we first found out Dylan had passed away.


Waiting for the end, by Linkin Park. Another song about how what we perceive as the end is actually the beginning, and at the same time being sad and frustrated about having to let someone go.


Ball and Chain by Social Distortion. This song isn't nessecarily about loss. But it is the song that is one that pops up as a theme since Dylan passed away. My sisters were in Walmart a few days after he died, and this song came on the intercom (they NEVER play music over the speakers, let alone a song like this). Dylan loved this band, and a few months after he died, I found an old picture with him wearing this Ball and Chain tour shirt. When I hear this song, I feel like he is trying to tell me that cancer was his ball and chain, and he was growing weary from carriying the burden. "Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain...I'm sick and I'm tired, and I can't take anymore pain......."
No more pain brother..



Well, that's it for my current playlist. I am always finding meaning in new songs and while they may not actually be about the death of a loved one, it's the little things I find in them that help me to heal.

Merry Christmas!

It has been wonderful spending time with family and friends. But like all good things, our visit must come to an end. The weather forecast calls for snow from the next couple of days but we have chains and all-wheel drive so we are going to hit the road in the morning. Andy and I have to be back to work on the 27th.